Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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