The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
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I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
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