You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
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