Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
