Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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