I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
