between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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