I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
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