SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
