If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
it glows. i had to have it.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
