his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
