Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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