it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
