i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
