Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
