This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Randomize
