who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
