he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
