I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I think I won the penis lottery.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Randomize
