I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
