my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
