You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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