Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
