He uses pillows to masturbate.
I just gift wrapped bread.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
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