Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
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