ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
