I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
