Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
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