i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
