She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
