it hurts more in the daytime
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
