Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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