Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
A+ Viking dick
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
