i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
