Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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