I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
