im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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