Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize
