i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
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