I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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