Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck