They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
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I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
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somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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