I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
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And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
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My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules