Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
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