just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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