so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
