I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
