I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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