The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
