You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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