After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
