Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
