her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
