where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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