every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
