i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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