Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
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